Goodass Food #1

So I'm back. While I don't have much time to explain as I have to be at work in about 30 minutes, I did want to make a quick post about a place that's near and dear to my heart, because they have some of the best damn Chinese food I've ever eaten. Deep, right?
I'm talking about a little hole in the wall place in Bluff Park, AL called New China. I've been going there since I was a kid (also, I think, since the place opened) and have gone back at least a couple times a month ever since. If you go there at lunch time the place will be packed out with everyone wanting to snatch up one of the delicious and cheap as hell lunch specials. My favorite thing on the menu is still the sesame chicken, but I've eaten most of the items on the menu at one time or another and have liked everything I've ever gotten from there. They also have the best fried dumplings I've ever had, period. Damn, I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. But seriously, to drive my point home, check out my lunch from earlier today:

Sesame chicken, fried rice, egg roll, and hot and sour soup with some crispy noodles. Know how much this cost me? SIX BUCKS with tax. That's cheaper than McDonald's and a whole hell of a lot better. The place and food are not fancy by any means, but every time I go there I get awesome Chinese food fast and cheap which for me is a winning combination. If you are in the Birmingham area you definitely need to check this place out. It is G-E-W-D gewd. They don't have a website but here's a link to their Urbanspoon page, which as of right now has 386 votes with 97% thumbs up. Try it and you'll see why.

I'll explain more about my current situation when I have time.

Oblivion

I don't want to get into a habit of not posting, because it's a slippery slope. I've been sick for a couple of days and since I couldn't get out of bed I decided to watch this movie. I still think Tom Cruise is pretty damn crazy after that whole Scientology jumping on Oprah's couch thing, but he's been in some very good movies. And the man does not age. He either has a really good plastic surgeon or maybe there's some truth to that Scientology craziness.
Anyway, in case you can't tell I tend to enjoy movies that are post apocalyptic or focus on the end of the world, so when I saw the preview for this one a while back I wanted to see it. And speaking of, one thing that disappointed me a little bit is that you don't get to see as many ruined cities and signs of civilization long gone as they made it look like. You do get to see the remains of the Statue of Liberty, the stadium where the last Superbowl was played, etc, but not much else.
Basically, all of humanity has fled Earth and lives either in a bigass space station called the TET, or in a space colony on Titan, one of Saturn's moons. Tom Cruise and his support/lover live in a control tower above the surface of Earth, and maintain drone workers that help protect these big machines that draw the salt water from the ocean to be used for power (they explain the process pretty well in the movie). There are also some bad guys who are remnants of an alien invasion that destroyed the world called Scavs that sabotage the process and destroy the drones from time to time.
Basically, this story is a pretty big mindfuck, as what you think is going on is nothing like what's actually going on. I'm not going to give it away. My other complaint is that in this two hour movie Morgan Freeman's character doesn't get a whole lot of screen time. I'm going to give this movie a solid rating of OK. Worth watching for some of the WTF moments that come out of left field and are totally unexpected, as well as some cool special effects and a great use of Procol Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale."

God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater by Kurt Vonnegut

I'm almost out of books by Vonnegut to read, and that makes me sad. Now, however, is not a time for sadness but a time to talk about this very entertaining book I just finished reading.
There are a few Mr. Rosewaters in this book, the first of which being Lister Ames Rosewater, a senator from Indiana who founded the Rosewater Foundation to aid his descendants and himself in not having to pay taxes on the family estate since it is a non profit organization. The foundation has millions upon millions of dollars that multiply thanks to investments made by the large New York City law firm that runs the foundation. The foundation also pays a $3.5 million a year pension to Lister's son Eliot.
Eliot Rosewater is thought by many to be insane, because he actually wants to help people, despite never having to lift a finger for the rest of his life. He opens an office and takes calls from people 24 hours a day who need help. Sometimes the callers just need someone to talk to, sometimes they need a little money, sometimes they need legal advice or how to get something done, like receiving VA benefits, etc. Eliot takes all their calls, 24/7. This takes place in Rosewater County, Indiana.
Meanwhile on the other side of the country, in Rhode Island to be exact, a distant cousin of Eliot's, who at first does not even know they are related, sells insurance and has a largely miserable life. A lawyer, Norman Mushari, finds that the loophole in the charter of the foundation is if the next in line to be chair of the foundation is found mentally incompetent, control will go to the next in line and Norman will collect a large sum of money for his help in the situation. It's not too hard to think that Eliot is crazy and many people do. I don't want to give any more of the story away so you're just going to have to read the book, and it is 220 pages well read. A great story, a great ending.

After Earth

I'm the kind of movie watcher who can be completely sold on watching a movie just from watching a trailer. I'm also someone who grew up in the nineties. So of course I'm at least some measure of a Will Smith fan. I'm not going to rewatch Men in Black while listening to "Miami," but I liked him in Independence Day and I am Legend. Oh, and Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
So when I saw the preview for this movie I wanted to see it. The story has a good premise, that being that a thousand years into the future, Earth was evacuated to another planet in another solar system because all the pollution had all but destroyed the world. Will Smith's character is a general in the military aboard a spaceship bound for some futuristic world when the ship has a run in with an asteroid field and is damaged. The ship makes a crash landing and breaks apart in the process. This particular part is what I wish they hadn't put in the trailer because it's one of the best parts in the movie and if I hadn't seen it in the trailer I wouldn't have expected Will Smith to suddenly get sucked almost completely out of the ship when it broke apart and it would've scared the bajeezus out of me, being so sudden and unexpected.
So the general and his son are the only two survivors of the crash, except for a giant monster in a cage aboard the ship that can sense its enemies by smelling fear. Literally. So from there, there are a few "Oh, come on" moments and there are some "How the hell is that possible?" moments, but this isn't meant to be a realistic movie. To sum it up: Dad & son must find a way to survive the perils of a futuristic Earth uninhabited by humans, in which the climate fluctuates rapidly (the temperatures go from a comfortable temp during the day to below freezing at night, just about everywhere) and there are natural predators everywhere. Son must reach the other part of the ship 100km away to retrieve a distress beacon so they can get rescued.

******SPOILER ALERT******* IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED, DON'T READ THE PARAGRAPH BELOW.
The rescue, once the beacon is found, happens UNBELIEVABLY FAST. I had a slight issue with this. And also, Will Smith's character by all laws of nature should've died before they were rescued, and I have a feeling the only reason he didn't die was so the story would have a happy ending. Keeping in mind this is a PG-13 movie, I guess I can live with it.
*******END SPOILERS*******

OK, so how is the movie? It's alright. Not great. Not terrible. Somewhere in between. I do feel like the current IMDB rating of 4.9/10 is on the low side, and there are a lot of 2/10 and 3/10 reviews on there that I feel like are unfair. So what's my rating? I'm giving this movie a 6/10. It's not terrible, and there are some good effects. Worth watching.

Moving...

I got fired today. We got a new store manager about two or three weeks ago and she was power tripping, as many new managers do. So what did I do to get fired?
Steal? No.
Being rude to a customer? No.
Making terrorist threats? Close, but no.

I didn't card a sixty year old woman who was buying beer.
Not sixteen, one six, no.
Sixty. Six zero.
Apparently, it's against company policy to sell alcohol to anyone without checking their ID first, even if the person is obviously old enough. I was not aware of this policy, and ridiculous though it may be, I got fired over it. So what does this mean for me?

I'm moving back to Birmingham. Why, you ask?
Well, ever since (and before) I moved to Dothan I've tried to find a decent job here. Last count I applied for over 200 jobs. Know how many interviews I went on? None, except Dollar General.
There just aren't that many jobs around here. I realize that this probably isn't really my fault, but I still feel like a failure. I just knew that we could make things work. We could make it through. Now it looks like to help out my girlfriend I'm going back to Birmingham where I'll have a much easier time finding a job. I'm hoping I'll be able to go back to the pizza joint I worked at before I moved down here.
As I said earlier, I feel like I have failed. I feel like a loser.
That's not going to stop me from doing my best to provide for myself and my girlfriend. Before I moved I worked two jobs totalling about 60 hours a week and would have no problem doing that again as long as I was making decent money. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want, huh?
She's gonna stay here and finish the fall semester of school and should be joining me in Birmingham in December if all goes as planned... and I pray it does. I'm going back tomorrow and will start my job search immediately. I'll keep y'all updated.

And that...

is why you don't leave Blogger signed in on your girlfriend's computer. Still love ya baby.

Things you would be surprised to know about me

I thought I would take this opportunity to let you in on some things about me you would never believe if you happened to know me in real life. I'm not one for sharing things with those in my day to day life much so I'm seizing the moment to let the real me out even if just in cyberland. So here today are my secret pleasures and other bits of trivia bout me-your trusty blog host.

Favorite cover by an artist I like: Hhhmm, it would probably have to be "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" as sung by Ke$ha. I know, I know, you're thinking that I'm joking. But first give it a listen. Ke$ha has called her performance on the song an 'emotional purging' and she taps a level of emotionality not usually seen in her more popular songs.

Favorite tv drama: This one's a toughie. I'm going to have to split this into a tie since one's been off the air a while, but the other is still being produced. My favorite oldie show is "Ally McBeal." There was a heart and humor to this show that most other shows just really seem to lack. My lovely girlfriend has seen every episode and has convinced me of its merit. Plus, they also manage to tackle such issues as gay marriage, women's rights, discrimination, etc. My other pick hands down would be "Pretty Little Liars." It gives a glimpse into the inner working of the complexities of the female mind, has shown some lesbian action, and features girls who dress like no girls I ever saw dress at my high school. Plus, I like how one of the girls reminds me of my lovely girlfriend and the ongoing suspense of who is 'A' keeps me tuning in week after week.....

Favorite sitcom: Gotta say "Friends." My girlfriend is a cross between Phoebe and Rachel while I consider myself to be a cross between Chandler and Joey. There's no day so bad that it can't be helped by a "Friends" rerun. It's even better if you eat ramen noodles while you watch (just a tip).

Favorite book: "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo. Much better than the movie/musical and has much more depth.

Favorite song to listen to when alone in my car: "Starships" by Nicki Minaj. Her energy is infectious and her sound is very unique.

Favorite sweet snack: chocolate chip cookie dough. Straight. Out. Of. The. Package. Nuff said.

Favorite place to shop for things other than beer/alcohol: Target-second would be Publix.

Favorite musical: "Legally Blonde"-don't laugh til you've seen it. The music is incredibly catchy and it has a good story with some unexpected twists.

Favorite movie: "The Notebook" If you haven't seen it (and what guy hasn't-even if just for the woman in his life) you should. It's an incredible story of the love and devotion of a couple that overcame some obstacles to be together and how their love triumphed over adversity in the end.

Favorite beverage (other than beer): Mai Tai-just cause it's so fun to say. C'mon try it.....

Secret appearance trick: hemorrhoid cream. I'm totally serious. It's great for facial wrinkles and works wonders for making my muscles appear more defined. A must for when I haven't been to the gym for a couple of days. If you don't believe me just ask google. You can thank me later.

Favorite magazine: Reader's Digest since I like their jokes and the stories are so inspirational.

Favorite song: "Thrift shop" by Macklemore. Can't help it, besides who doesn't shop at thrift shops nowadays? The economy is so far in the toilet (thanks Mr. President) that you gotta save money somehow.

Favorite channel: Fox News-it really is a shining example of unbiased journalism which is sorely lacking in today's society.

Favorite movie to watch when home alone: Barbie's "The Princess and the Pauper." It's genderbending take on the Mark Twain story and the music is really well written. Plus, one of the main characters reminds me of my lovely girlfriend.

So there you have it. Hope this has helped give you a better glimpse into the mystery that is me.........Until next time..........

And now for something utterly deedamnlicious...

Are there really things in this world as great and delicious as a really good hamburger? I have to wonder...
While I'm sure there are some better things out there somewhere, I, like many other fat, meat loving Americans enjoy a bigass chunk of meat on a soft and sexy bun. Hmm... using the words "sexy buns" might get me some more views on this thing.
Anyway, from time to time I like to go in search of new burgers, whether in restaurants or to find recipes for on the internet to recreate at home. For this particular post I'm doing both. Say hello to the Fetaburger, made popular and delicious by that delicious and in many ways awesome Greek restaurant in Birmingham, Nabeel's (link below). I've been a fan of Nabeel's for many years and when I lived in Birmingham went there to eat at least once a month. They have many epic Greek dishes but the Fetaburger stole my cholesterol clogged heart long ago. Here's a pic from the restaurant I found on Urbanspoon:

This succulent looking bigass burger is no mere delicious burger. It's stuffed with feta cheese and a variety of spices. Those fries on the plate are really damn good as well. I think they actually cut them at the restaurant and season them with a blend of Greek spices. It's also served with Taziki sauce which my girlfriend has made for me before, but I didn't have time to get any made and also I kind of forgot but we will press on anyway.
Now that I live 200 miles away from Birmingham I can't exactly drop everything and drive three hours to have dinner. I've been craving one of these delicious burgers for a while now so the thought came to me to try and make one myself. I'm pretty good in the kitchen... but how am I gonna figure out what goes into this whole shebang?
Lord praise the internet. There's a YouTube video of the owner of the restaurant and his chef making them on a local news show. I tried to embed it here but Blogger wouldn't let me for some reason so I'll just put a link to it at the end of this post. Here's the recipe:

2lbs. of delicious beef
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup oregano
1/4 cup garlic powder
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 cup bread crumbs
Salt & pepper
6 oz. of feta cheese
The recipe also called for tomatoes and onions, which I left out because I'm not a big fan of either, and also for a special Greek cheese to melt on top like a traditional cheeseburger. I couldn't find it anywhere around here and didn't want to mess up a delicious burger by putting some provolone or something on there so I left it off.
So here's my ingredients:

Yes, we have a small kitchen, but hey, those dishes are clean. So basically I just mixed everything in with my meat.

Yep. That's a bowl o' meat. I wasn't sure about the bread crumbs. I know some people always add bread crumbs to their burgers but I never have. Since I'm following a recipe (loosely) here, I added them in.

I slapped out some burgers and attempted to slice some feta, but as you can see the feta I have is more for crumbling than for slicing. No worries, though. I used what I considered to be a generous amount.

Then I used some more meat to kinda seal them up. These are some very big burgers. I ended up not even using the entire two pounds of meat and I could only eat a burger and a half (and I can eat, believe me).

Yeah, seriously big burgers. I cooked them over medium-low heat about ten minutes on a side and they came out beautifully. Cooked all the way through, cheese melted, juicy and flavorful.

 I decided to use the Publix French hamburger rolls. They are ridiculously good, fresh, and have that nice chewy texture on the outside and are soft on the inside. Plus the bakery lady was nice enough to let me buy four instead of the usual eight.

They toast very nicely, too. I think a toasted bun adds something to any burger.

Just so y'all could get an idea. I tried to get a better picture than that but I am using a cell phone camera. Maybe I'll get a nice camera one day. I chomped this down with some ketchup and called it a day. The cheese is great, but it's the spices that really make this burger what it is. I'd even use the same spices for a regular burger without the cheese stuffing. So... is mine as good as Nabeel's? Nope. But mine is pretty damn good, and that could be homesickness talking. Overall I'm happy with how they turned out and my girlfriend was, too. This is also a budget friendly recipe considering it makes enough food for four people and costs under $20. And this is good eats, y'all, not Hamburger Helper. I sure do love Hamburger Helper, though.

Here's a link to the website for Nabeel's restaurant in Birmingham, AL. Hopefully I'll be up there to see y'all soon.
Here's a link to that YouTube video I told y'all about. It's only four minutes and definitely worth watching.

On the topic of snacks...

I'm a big fan of these. Buffalo wing Pringles have been around in some form or another for a few years or more now and I've liked them for a while. Now they claim to be XTRA tangy, and while they are tangy, they are also fucking delicious. I tried the Frank's Red Hot Pringles that came out fairly recently also and didn't like them nearly as much, but these are just... so good. So I'm at the store today and I see these...

I had a George Takei style "Oh myyyyy" moment and thought these sounded pretty damn good. I'm eating these as I type this right now and they go awesome with a cheapass beer, which I am also drinking as I type this. Just... so good. Too bad these are a limited edition chip. Companies these days think they can just McRib anything.

Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck

I've been a big fan of Steinbeck's writing for a long time, since reading The Grapes of Wrath in high school. This was one of the few books of his that I hadn't read so I thought I'd check it out. According to Wikipedia, this book was Steinbeck's first critical and financial literary success.

Tortilla Flat tells the story of the "paisanos," a group of jobless by choice Spanish-Indian-Mexican-white friends who live in Monterrey, California. The book takes place as some of the main characters come home from World War I, so that puts the year at 1918. One of the main characters, Danny, has just learned that he has inherited two houses from his uncle in Tortilla Flat, a shabby neighborhood just outside of Monterrey. While many would think of the benefits that come with owning two houses, Danny considers it a "burden of ownership" but decides to live in one of the houses while he rents the other one to his friend Pilon for fifteen dollars a month. No rent ever gets paid, though, because that's the type of friendship and world view the paisanos have. Pilon invites some of his friends who are homeless to come live with him in his house, which eventually gets burned down by an unattended prayer candle. Everyone ends up moving in to Danny's house and Danny for the most part accepts them into his home willfully as long as they don't try to sleep in his bed, even the pirate with five dogs. Yes, I said pirate with five dogs.

Of course there's a lot more to the story than that, but I'm not going to give it away. It does have somewhat more humor than most of Steinbeck's other books as it was intended to cheer people up during the time of the Great Depression. The story does follow a certain pattern that many other Steinbeck novels follow, however, in a "series of unfortunate events" kind of way. Some literary critics have compared the paisanos to King Arthur's knights, which is very interesting and you can find a lot of information about that particular topic online already so I'm not going to recount it here. It would also give away too much of the story...

So, did I like the book? Yes. Is it Steinbeck's best book? No. I'll call this one a slightly lesser known classic with an overall grade of B. With its short length (about 175 pages) and to read some of the paisanos' reasoning with the others why they should buy wine instead of food or other necessary items this book is definitely worth a read.

World War Z

So I finally got around to seeing World War Z. I've been wanting to see it for a long time despite the lackluster reviews ever since I heard they were making this beautiful book by Max Brooks (Mel's son) into a movie years ago. I loved the book with a passion as I'm a fan of many things zombie related and I remember feeling a pang of anger to know that they had taken Max's premise and title and turned it into a film that had very little whatsoever to do with his book. Damn you, movie studios.

For those of you that haven't read the book, not only is it one of my favorite reads period, it's presented to the reader as an oral history of the zombie war. Meaning that the war is over, and the people the author interviews are fellow survivors who were, to use a military term, "in the shit." The book tells the stories of these survivors as they tell it themselves, with viewpoints ranging from high ranking military officers and special forces soldiers to regular everyday people to children.

The movie is nothing fucking like that.

The zombies do pile themselves on top of one another in the book like on the movie poster, but that's about where the similarities end. Okay, I'm going to stop bitching about how the movie's not like the book since you can read about that on a million different websites.

My only other gripe is that the movie is rated PG-13. Are you fucking kidding me? A PG-13 zombie movie. I actually didn't know it was PG-13 until the day I went to see it, and I might have Pirate Bay'd this one had I known that, rather than paying $8 to see it at the movie theater. And that was a matinee ticket.

When I watch a zombie movie, I expect to see a list of things that I have prepared below:

1. LOTS of blood and gore.
2. People getting eaten.
3. Someone will kill his or herself, or have someone kill them after they become infected, and not do it off camera like a bitch. *SPOILER ALERT* The guy who kills himself is a Navy SEAL, I think he's enough of a badass to do it in front of us.
4. A boob or two couldn't hurt, as in the later George Romero films.
5. *SEMI SPOILER ALERT* I don't like storybook endings for zombie films. The exception is 28 Days Later, and while it is a good ending, it's not exactly what I would call storybook.
6. Grotesque, maybe even pointless violence that looks somewhat fake and maybe even laughable.

On all of these points World War Z disappoints. Most of the killing, violence, and zombie transformations are done off camera. When I think zombie film, I think Day of the Dead. Or 28 Days Later. Both of these have all of these, though I don't think there's any boobs in 28. That being said, they should have titled this film "Brad Pitt in a Zombie Movie" and left it at that. By itself, I'd probably give the movie a C. With the expectations added in and the disappointment factor, I'm dropping it to a D. The story of the movie kept me interested, though I felt it was drawn out. It was a two hour movie that could have been done better in an hour and a half. An okay (but nothing special) movie by itself, but in no way worthy of being named after the book.

The Purge

 

 

In case there was any doubt, I really love movies and am a frequent movie watcher when I have time. I also tend to enjoy a genre of movies I like to think of as "bad movies." When I see a preview for something that just looks like it could be so bad it's good, that's the type of movie I want to watch. The Purge looked like it would fit the bill. I think I saw the preview for this movie when we went to see The Great Gatsby at the theater, but my lovely girlfriend may correct me on that.

Anyway, the basic premise of the movie is that in a future dystopian America, 2022 to be exact, the US government has organized a 12 hour period once a year where all crime (including murder, theft, rape, embezzlement, jaywalking) is completely legal and no emergency services are available. Why would they do this, you ask? Well, it gets rid of, shall we say, social undesirables, leaving the New USA with an unemployment rate of 1% and a booming economy.

Ignoring the obvious reasons why this could never happen, something I can't help but think about is the movie takes place nine years from now. Ethan Hawke's character and his wife are both in their forties if not older, yet they completely accept that the purge occurs and so does everyone else for that matter. The only mention of people against the purge is that they get killed on a regular basis. That means that within the past few years they have completely adapted to this new way of life and even indulge in it, as Hawke's character sells home security systems for a living and even remarks that while a few years ago they were barely making rent, while now they are looking at buying a boat.

So let's ignore all that. Let's not pick it apart and just accept it for what it is. I'm not going to give away any of the story suffice to say that shit goes horribly awry. Otherwise you'd have a fairly boring movie. So is it a good, bad movie?

It's okay. I'd rate it somewhere in the middle. IMDB is currently rating this at about a 5/10 and I think that rating is a fair one. I really like the premise of this movie and that's why I watched it even though I had heard it wasn't great. But that's never stopped me from watching a movie before.

 

 

Yep.







Random Nonsense #1

Here's what it would look like if Iggy Pop and Peaches were survivors in a zombie apocalypse:

Yep. It's a real video. And a real song.

The blind can see, the crippled can walk...

I worked a 12 hour day today and I'm pretty damn tired.
Around 8 tonight five teenagers from the projects right behind the store I work at come in. They were in a nice, neat, straight line. The 3 girls (and I say girls, they were all probably about 18) distracted the cashier by asking her a bunch of stupid questions about where to find everyday items. I was in the office counting money with the door locked, periodically looking at the security camera feed to make sure everything is ok out in the store until I'm done.

I thought they would come in to shoplift. Just another day.
The fucking stupid teenager grabs two cases of beer and bolts out the door. I literally said out loud "What the fuck!!"
And I go to the front, where a customer says the 2 boys ran out the store to the left. Toward  the projects. So I go around the side of the building and I see them carrying the beer. They are already a good distance away. I yell after them
"HEY DUMBASSES, WE HAVE YOU ON CAMERA STEALING THAT!!"
They turn and look, and then break into a run that would make Kenyan track stars proud, dropping one of the cases of beer (Bud Light, btw) in the process, which busted everywhere in a fury of exploding beer foam.
I was pissed, so I said "THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES, RUN! RUN LIKE BITCHES!!"
At least I was able to scare them a little and make them look like bitches. Oh well. I've noticed something.
These guys, that like to make themselves out to be tough, and talk tough, and act hard, and like to talk about how they do illegal things, etc.
They always run.
They run, as previously stated, like bitches.
If they had been real men they would've come back and beat my ass. Or at least taunted me in some way with a "what are you gonna do about it?" or similar.
I guess that's really all I have to say. I'm going to bed now.

From the creators of My Little Pony

When your pony just seems too little.

By the way...

Please check your expiration dates when you buy stuff. This cereal looked perfectly fine until I saw this today. Ugh.

Reflections on Working at a Store in the Hood

I've been working some extra shifts at another Dollar General here in town that is kinda considered the "ghetto store." My boss from the store I usually work at said that the reason they need someone to fill in is because no one wants to work there. The reasons? Well...

• They've been robbed a few times this year... and it's June. This reason I'll give some merit, because who wants to be working at a store when it's being robbed? I've been in that situation once, and once is more than enough.
• The store manager is an alright lady but she's always pissed off cause things don't go well at that store. That could mean a lot of things.
• The customers suck. Hmmm...
• There's a ton of theft.

Well, being ready to make some extra money I agreed to help out anyway and give it a shot. I can't help but have a "what did I just step in?" feeling.
The store manager does seem alright on a personal level. I think she's just so used to things being messed up and not running right that she's always pissed off about something.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that all the customers suck, but there's a lot of them that do... meaning that they have no idea how to act in a public place. Here's a conversation that I had with a fine young lady today:

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you only have $17 on your food stamp card."
"AWWW NUH UH! I KNOW I GOT MO DAN DAT! THIS SOME RACIST SHIT UP IN HEAH, WHITE BOY."
"Umm, ma'am, I don't have any control over whether it approves or declines your card."
"WELL I KNOW I GOT DA MONEY ON DAT CARD SO IMMA JUST TAKE THE STUFF AND GO."
"No, ma'am. Can you pay for it some other way?"
"HAIL NAW I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY."
"Then if you try to take stuff you haven't paid for I'll have to call the police."
"GO AHEAD AND CALL EM WHITE BOY I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!"
"That's obvious." At this point I picked up the phone and started to dial the non emergency number for the police.
"MAAANNN FUCK DIS SHIT. JUST TAKE SOME STUFF OFF."
By this time, there's a backed up line of about eight or so other customers.
"Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You clearly don't know how to act in a public place or talk to people."
"DA FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?"
Ignoring her, I ask the next customer to come up and check out and she does so. Ghetto bitch remains complaining and yelling for another five minutes or so before finally leaving in an angry huff.
On the plus side some of the other customers got a good laugh out of her being that way and I got congratulated for keeping my cool. To me a lot of things just aren't worth getting upset about. I thought it was funny more than anything.

The last bullet point is the theft. Man, there's a lot. We keep a lot of items behind the counter such as headphones, condoms, batteries, pregnancy tests, cell phone chargers, etc. Items that are easy to steal and are frequently stolen. I actually had someone arrested once for shoplifting and I felt very bad about it... 17 year old kid was stealing some headphones and a couple other things... probably wasn't more than $15 total. The other day I walked up on a kid who was probably about 10 stealing candy. His eyes got huge when he realized I saw him do it... I couldn't bring myself to call the cops on him, which according to company policy is what I'm supposed to do. Instead, I took him to his mom that he came in with.
"Ma'am is this your son?"
"Yeah?"
"I caught him stealing some candy."
"WHAT????"
She then proceeds to slap him in the face! Oh snap! And I heard her say as they were leaving "Wait til your daddy hears about this!!" Oh double snap! I think that may have been worse than calling the cops.

In case you couldn't tell, I just wanted to vent about work. I really don't like my job at all and am constantly searching for something else. There's just not a lot of opportunity where I live. I've had 3 job interviews in the past couple months and that's from applying at literally hundreds of jobs.
Thank God for alcohol.

"Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called Everyone, and they meet at the bar."
Thanks, George. Your cynical rhetoric has gotten me through some rough times.

Malt Liquor Throwdown!!!

I'm already undecided about this idea, because I'm a little bit drunk as I'm writing this from drinking a lot of malt liquor. You might be thinking to yourself right now "I've lived a very sheltered existence and so has everyone else I know. How is malt liquor different from beer?" Well technically, it's the way the beer is brewed. REAL malt liquor is brewed with less hops and more corn and other stuff so that it has a higher alcohol content and tastes less like what people think of when they think of beer. For purposes of this blog, and from what I gather most people's definitions, a malt liquor is a "high gravity" beer, which is just a nice way of saying "high alcohol." Personally I couldn't consider anything under 5% ABV to be a malt liquor and I believe that's a pretty generous standard. Here's my qualifications for the malt liquor throwdown:

• Must be easily obtainable, which sadly knocks a lot of quality beverages out of the running since I live in Alabama. I wanted to get forties, but the biggest containers we can legally have here are 24oz and the people had to fight to get the lawmakers here to up that from 16oz. No kidding, it just became law last year. Sad, right? Why does Alabama always have to be ignorant and the last to adopt change (well, except for Mississippi, but at least you can buy forties there)? Wait, no... this is another topic for another blog. Maybe one day...
• Must have an ABV over 5%. I don't think that will be difficult.
• Must be relatively cheap. I want the good ol' stuff here, not some fancy craft beer.
• Maybe I should try to sober up a little before I write the rest of this.

I'm going to consider taste, ABV, can art and image when I rank all the entries. What are the entries, you ask?

I had to include Colt 45 and Olde English. I was lucky enough to find Mickey's which I drink on a fairly regular basis and Steel Reserve which is everywhere. It's one of the four or five beers we sell at the store I work at. I had never drank Schlitz Malt Liquor or Icehouse Edge before this throwdown, just putting that out there.
On a side note, malt liquor generally has a pretty strong taste so I had to find something to cleanse my pallet between taste testings.

 

Oh woe unto thee, thou who hast never eaten a Golden Flake Sweet Heat potato chip.

These are crazy delicious and are absolutely my favorite chips ever. Lay's has even imitated them.

Yeah. The Golden Flake chips came out way before the Lay's. The Golden Flake chips also taste a lot better. By the way am I the only one who thinks a company called Lay's should make condoms?

But I digress.

\

So first of all I like to try new beers that I've never had before to give them more of a fair shot. I may like them, I may not. I was confident before I drank anything today that I would like all of these better than Bud Ice. 

Another side note. Do I have something against Budweiser? Yep. They actually paid lobbyists to go to the state capitol to try to convince legislators to not pass the new beer laws that our state was about to adopt last year including a decreased restriction in container size along with an increase in the legal ABV from 6% to 14.9%. Both bills thankfully passed, making Alabama appear slightly less ignorant than it did before. However, as a result of finding out about this lobbying, many bars that specialize in high gravity and local beers in Alabama stopped serving Budweiser products. Anything made by Anheuser-Busch. Good for them.

So there's that grudge explained. This is already turning into a long post.

So the first one of these I tried was Icehouse Edge, which appeared on shelves here shortly after the 24oz. law was passed.

I think this one is fairly new, as I couldn't find anything funny or sexy to post about it. It packs a punch with its 8% ABV, one of the highest in the selection. So how does it taste? To tell you the truth I thought this was going to taste like ass, but it's actually pretty good, especially when you consider the alcohol content. For an 8% beer that cost $1.50 for a 24oz can this is definitely a winner. It doesn't taste anything like the original Icehouse, but it's smooth enough and strong enough to win me over. Since I couldn't find much about it on the vast reaches of the internet, all I can say about its image is that it does come in a cool can. Definitely a good choice. 

Next up is Schlitz Malt Liquor, which I also had for the first time during this whole ordeal. One Google search is all it takes to know that this is how you market malt liquor. I mean, first off you have the badass logo with its bull mascot:

 Buying a 40? Why not get another one?
Then, you have the actual advertising.

Yep. No one does it like the Bull. With a girl in a small bikini.
But enough about that. How does it taste? Umm... not great. The first thing I notice when I open the can is this weird smell almost like it's stale. However my beer is dated 090213. It's got a mild taste and very strong aftertaste, like the actual taste hits you after you drink it. That taste, my friends, is not a good one. At first I don't taste much at all, but then that aftertaste... ugh. Like some other beers I've had it gets better after the first few sips but I don't think anyone tastes this stuff because of the taste and the 5.9% ABV just doesn't do it for me. There's better tasting brews out there with higher ABV. Sorry, Schlitz, I wanted to like you. At least you have cool advertising.

Let's quickly move on to something else. How about Colt 45?

 

Speaking of advertising, Colt 45's is classic. Who else better to endorse your malt liquor than Lando Calrissian? It has, however, been updated for our generation:

Still a pretty good ad. I guess if you can get Snoop to endorse your malt liquor you should probably do that.
Colt 45 is a classic malt liquor. To make it even more badass it has the same name as a gun!.. which is denied by Pabst Brewing, who makes Colt 45. The horse on the can says "Nay! (like that?) This fine beverage is not a reference to a firearm, but to Jerry Hill, who was number 45 on the 1963 Baltimore Colts NFL team." And I, horsey, have got a bridge to sell you.
Badassery aside, how's the brew? I'm willing to give this one a solid "not bad." Tastes better than Schlitz with a slightly higher 6.1% ABV.

So let's move on yet again to another fine beverage that I have had the pleasure of consuming many times before, Steel Reserve. 211, motherfucker.

 

Not sure who drew that or if it's even a real ad, but I like it. Me and 211 go back a ways. For a good while it was my go to cheap beer. What else can you get 4 tall cans of for $2.50 that tastes decent and has the 8.1% wallop to get you wasted with maybe not even all 4? Steel Reserve is the strongest of these beers, but doesn't necessarily taste like it. It has a very malty taste, like you can almost taste the barley in a way. Here in Bama we used to have the 6% ABV version which tasted a little bit smoother, but for the purposes of a malt liquor or "high gravity lager" I'd prefer the extra alcohol. The first 40oz I ever drank was a Steel Reserve. Ah, memories. Seriously though, 211 is a good cheap beer and one of the easiest to drink with this much ABV involved. I think of it as kind of an acquired taste, like drinking Guinness or similar. The first time I tried it I didn't really like it and even thought "People drink this??" Then when I tried it again I liked it. My only complaints are trivial, such as the can saying that it's made by the Steel Brewing Company when it's really just made by Miller. I guess that's just marketing magic. That aside, this is a great malt liquor all things considered. Again, when I look at these I look for taste, ABV, and image. This one definitely has two out of three covered.

Two left to cover. This is a long post! Let's go ahead and hit up Mickey's.

 

 Ah, Mickey's. It tends to kind of market itself as the white person's 40, or to appeal to college kids, which it does. Maybe this will encourage them to do their laundry once in a while. It's got nifty marketing like the ad above, cool green grenade shaped bottles, and even nifty puzzles under the caps!

  See what I mean about targeting college students. Still I admit that I enjoy opening my green bottle to find a little puzzle to give me something to think about for anywhere from five seconds to fifteen minutes depending on how drunk I am. So Mickey's definitely has the image. What about the beer?

Downside here, and the reason why Mickey's isn't going to win this throwdown... it's got the lowest ABV of all of these with a mediocre 5.6%. That's just barely enough to call it a malt liquor in my book. The upshot of the somewhat lower alcohol content is that Mickey's tastes more like a beer than a malt liquor. It actually tastes pretty damn good to me, and I will and have drunk it on a regular basis. It's easily obtainable around here for about $1.50 for a 24oz can. To me this is the best tasting of all these beers, but the ABV keeps it from its full potential as a stone cold malt liquor.

Last, but certainly never least is Olde English 800. OE. Furniture polish. The malt liquor by which all other malt liquors are judged.

So here's the deal about OE. It's iconic. If you go in a convenience store that sells forties they are just about guaranteed to have Olde English if nothing else. Is it a good malt liquor? Hell yes. It's got a very tolerable flavor, somewhat similar to the 6% version of Steel Reserve, which makes sense since OE's ABV is 5.9%. If you want to experience a solid, drinkable, malt liquor then this is the one to try. Oh man, how am I ever gonna rank these?? Maybe I should sober up a little first.

KING OF THE MALTS: I'm tying Steel Reserve and Olde English for the top spot. I can't choose between them. To me Olde English tastes better but Steel Reserve has the higher ABV so they balance out. You can't go wrong with either one.

BEST TASTE AWARD: Mickey's. It's the best tasting one of these beers and is the easiest to drink. Plus cool bottles.

ABV AWARD: I'm gonna give Icehouse Edge the prize on this one, just for being such a pleasant surprise. Tastes very smooth and non offensive with an 8% ABV.

BEST IMAGE/ADVERTISING: Colt 45. The classic ads with Billy Dee Williams and the new ads with Snoop Dogg are hard to beat. Also, it's a classic name associated with malt liquor.

Sorry Schlitz Malt Liquor, I gots no love for you at all. Any of the other brews are at least drinkable, while this one tasted like brackish water that someone just got done peeing in.

So there you have it. There are pros and cons to each one of these. The biggest surprise was definitely Icehouse Edge, which I would definitely drink again and would recommend that my readers at least try. I'm still feeling somewhat wasted from drinking all those so I'm gonna go take a nap.
Also, I think there's more than enough malt liquor out there to have a second throwdown.... thanks for reading!

Just a couple quick things...

First, a PSA. Look at this flat of delicious Pepsi products.

Now, why have I brought this large amount of soda products to your attention? These sodas all have one thing in common. They're out of date.
Now you may be saying, "WTF! Soda doesn't have an expiration date!" Ah, but good sir waving your arms and shouting at me it does. The soda companies put that date on there for a reason. Soda goes flat after a while, even if it remains in perfect climate control in an unopened bottle. We have not yet perfected the perfect soda bottle.
I pulled these sodas out of the two front coolers at the store I work at, some were out of date only a few days and were probably still fine to drink, while some had expired in October of last year. Eight months ago.
I say all this to say that I don't want to sell you a flat soda, but if they do happen to slip past my expiration date radar I don't want you to drink a flat soda either. That's like drinking a beer that's been left on my dashboard for six hours on a hot summer day. Okay, maybe not quite that bad but you get the idea.
Don't procrastinate! Check that soda date!

The other thing is...

a free pork & beans talker. While I have no idea what that actually is, free pork & beans. Huzzah!!

Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I've been a big Vonnegut fan ever since I read Slaughterhouse Five when I was about 16. I love his cynicism, and his sometimes downright hilarity. I've read most of his books and I plan on reading the rest of them at some point. I recently picked up Player Piano at a used book store. I knew it was Vonnegut's first novel thanks to Wikipedia but I didn't know anything else about it. I've had more time for reading recently so I decided to give it a shot.
It's a hell of a first novel.
Kurt tells us the story of a near-future America where almost everything in life is automated and almost all work is done by machines. The protagonist Dr. Paul Proteus is an engineer who works in the public works in Illium, New York as an engineer. In this society the engineers are the richest and most well thought of people since their work has given way to the new easy way of life.
There are those that would disagree, however, as Paul realizes every time he has to cross to "that side" of the bridge to the town where all the regular people live, many of which are out of a job thanks to the new mechanized way of life. Regular people are very looked down upon because the machines have determined with a test that children take upon exiting high school that they are not smart enough to become scientists or engineers, but instead are destined for life in the military (though there hasn't been a war for a very long time) or the public works corps, doing jobs such as road work and building projects.
The title of the book comes from one of Paul's visits to the poor side of town when he stops into a bar to pick up a bottle of whiskey for a friend. One of the bar patrons looks at the player piano playing away in the bar and drunkenly bemuses that even the player piano at one time put someone out of a job. Paul begins to have different feelings about the convenient, machine-led life he has helped create and gradually questions more and more aspects of the system and the way things are. He eventually is given the opportunity to become the poster child for the anti machine movement.
I'm not going to give away any more of the story, and there is a lot more to this book. The way it is written, packed with Vonnegut's signature style of dark humor, I would not have thought that this was his first novel.
All in all this book is definitely worth a read and would be enjoyed by a wide audience. I can't help but be excited to read the rest of Vonnegut's books and also can't help but be sad to know there will come a time when there are no more of his books that I haven't read. 

Now available at your local Dollar General

I think I should get one of these to go with my TV dinner trays. Sorry about the glare, it's a phone pic.

Cheap Beer Throwdown!!!

I effing love beer. It loves me too, in its own way. There are times when we beer drinkers may not have the coin to splurge on that sixer of Sam Adams or similar delicious beer, and that's when we reach for the 99 cent tallboy. It's not really what you want, per se, but it gets you through the next day or so and it's usually better than no beer at all. Or is it? I've rounded up six different cheap beers to try and give my thoughts on each one. Here's my list of qualifications:

• No malt liquor.
• Must be able to purchase a 16oz can for $1 or less.
• No light beer.
• I'm not including fucking Budweiser. Deal with it.

So I went around to a couple of convenience stores and here's what I came up with:

Ah, they even look cheap! In a New Jersey hooker kind of way. I couldn't find a Natural Ice, only Natty Light, and since no light beers are allowed in this competition, I grabbed the Bud Ice instead. I've never drank Bud Ice or Busch before but there's a first time for everything. Maybe I'll even *gasp* like them.

First, a word about PBR. I've drank PBR since I was old enough to drink and a little bit before. I drank it because it was a cheap beer that was palatable and would often be on sale for cheaper than Miller High Life or similar. Recently as I'm sure you are aware, hipsters have taken PBR and turned it into "their thing."
Like this:

 

Asshole.

Why did you have to take my beloved cheap beer and turn it into something it's not? Why couldn't you destroy Budweiser or some other crappy beer? Leave my crappy beer alone. Just look at this man:

Does he look like a hipster to you? No. This was done a good few years before the bullshit hipster movement. This man loved his beer so much he wants to be buried in it. And in the meantime he's got a badass cooler to use. Rock on, sir.
Ok, now that that's out of the way, PBR is a good what I like to call "basic beer." It's a little bit bitter, but it really is an acquired taste that can add up to a good cheap beer. Like most beers it tastes better on tap or in a bottle than in the can, but the cans are readily available anywhere. It gets my thumbs up.

Another beer that has fond memories for me is Miller High Life. As you can see in the picture I got some kind of special edition Harley Davidson can, which is better than their special Justin Bieber edition they came out with last month. Just kidding, I like High Life as much as the next guy. It's an easy to drink, light and tasty beer. It's also ridiculously cheap. I clocked it recently for $3.97 for a sixpack at Walmart. They've also had some great advertising over the years.

Drink High Life, and you too can be an elderly perverted fisherman. BTW, tastes much much better out of a bottle than a can to me. Is that just me? But if the champagne of beers doesn't do it for you, then there's Icehouse.

Hey, they know their audience and they know the beer isn't the best thing in the world so why not sex it up a little? She looks good holding the can.
In all seriousness, I actually find Icehouse to be a decent beer considering how very cheap it is and the somewhat higher 5.5% ABV, compared with Miller High Life's and PBR's 4.7%. I'd say it's at least as good as the other two.
Perhaps the best tasting beer in my opinion on this list is Yuengling. I've been drinking Yuengling a long time since someone turned me on to it years ago and I've loved it ever since.

The Yuengling brewery is America's oldest continuously operated brewery and has been churning out their delicious lager since 1829. The have a variety of other flavors, including black & tan, a porter, and a seasonal bock which is very very good (why is it not available all year???). They started canning their beer a couple years ago making it more readily available and small bit cheaper to buy. To me, you can't go wrong with this one.
Now, for the ones I just flat out didn't like at all.

Not light, but I tried the regular variety of Busch. It tasted like malty water and backwash. Yum. No seriously, I thought this one was terrible. I remember years ago a coworker and I were talking about beer and he said he drinks Busch because other beers made his head hurt. I'd have to drink a whole case for my head not to hurt once I got started. No thanks.

Then we have Bud Ice. Remember those commercials they had back in the 90s with the creepy penguin?

Yeah, that one. The one that looks like it's going to kill you in your sleep. This was easily one of the worst tasting beers I've ever tried. Ever. At first it was like drinking bilge water, and I thought maybe that was because I had tried the Busch right before. So I ate some food and tried it again. Just gross. I poured it out. If the guys at the Plank Road Brewery can make Icehouse have 5.5% ABV and still taste decent, why can't Budweiser? Maybe cause Budweiser sucks. So here's my final ranking of these six beers:

THE WIENER: Yuengling, simply for the best taste of any of these.
THE FIRST LOSER: PBR, despite having an intolerable image nowadays. I still love ya baby.
THE BRONZE MEDAL: Miller High Life. We go back a long ways.
THE PAPER MACHE CAT: Icehouse. A solid cheap beer, with a higher than average alcohol content.
THE BOWLING TROPHY I GOT AT A THRIFT STORE: Busch. Please, just stop.
THE FLAMING BAG OF SHIT ON YOUR DOORSTEP: Bud Ice. I really did try, I promise. It's just that bad.

So there you have it. Feel free to comment. What's that you say? Why didn't I include this beer or this beer? There will be more throwdowns. Don't cry.

On the topic of snacks...

Something I'll be discussing on here quite often is food. There comes that time most days when it's after lunch but before dinner time, or maybe a little before bed, when it's time to have a snack. One of my favorite snack foods is, in all it's glory:

the Big Mama pickled sausage. I've eaten so many of these things I'm sure I'll have a heart attack any minute. But they're just so damn good. So my question is, is this a southern thing? On the few occasions that I've been out of the south I haven't thought to look for them, and it seems unhealthy enough to be a southern snack. It's a flurry of vinegary goodness, with enough snap to make it feel like you're eating actual food. I'll eat one of these over a Slim Jim anytime. But while this yellow vision of deliciousness is fairly easy to find, be sure and watch out for:

I love hot and spicy food, but holy shit these things are like eating a vinegar firebomb. They should come with a warning label on the package that says:

 Yes, it's very true. Who knew a sausage could give you an Oregon Trail style death? Speaking of cholera...

This impostor with a sexy pig on the package tastes like straight up dog food. And before you say anything, yes I have tried it. I needed the money. So in short, beware of possible death and impostors, and snack on!!

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

My girlfriend suggested we watch this movie because she knows I like sushi, though I haven't had any in a while and thanks to this film am now struck with an undeniable craving for it. It's about Jiro Ono, arguably the best sushi chef in the world and his restaurant Sukiyabashi Jiro in Tokyo. I can honestly say I've never seen anything like this movie before. Well technically it's a documentary, but I digress.
Jiro wanted to become a sushi chef from the time he was nineteen. He takes perfectionist to a whole new level, using only the best of the best ingredients and everything has to be done the right way or no way. He sacrificed his family life and personal life to develop his mastery of making perfect sushi. Did it pay off? I think so. Jiro definitely seems happy with his life being now 85 and still going to work every day. He has trained countless apprentices including his two sons, one of which has opened his own sushi restaurant in a different part of the city. I won't give away any more of the film, but if you are a foodie, a sushi fan, or even a documentary fan I would wholeheartedly encourage you to check this one out. I fall into all three of those categories and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Are there any sushi restaurants in Dothan?

Here's the movie's official website.

Here's Jiro's restaurant's official website (in English). If you want to make reservations you have to do so a month in advance.