Cheap Beer Throwdown!!!

I effing love beer. It loves me too, in its own way. There are times when we beer drinkers may not have the coin to splurge on that sixer of Sam Adams or similar delicious beer, and that's when we reach for the 99 cent tallboy. It's not really what you want, per se, but it gets you through the next day or so and it's usually better than no beer at all. Or is it? I've rounded up six different cheap beers to try and give my thoughts on each one. Here's my list of qualifications:

• No malt liquor.
• Must be able to purchase a 16oz can for $1 or less.
• No light beer.
• I'm not including fucking Budweiser. Deal with it.

So I went around to a couple of convenience stores and here's what I came up with:

Ah, they even look cheap! In a New Jersey hooker kind of way. I couldn't find a Natural Ice, only Natty Light, and since no light beers are allowed in this competition, I grabbed the Bud Ice instead. I've never drank Bud Ice or Busch before but there's a first time for everything. Maybe I'll even *gasp* like them.

First, a word about PBR. I've drank PBR since I was old enough to drink and a little bit before. I drank it because it was a cheap beer that was palatable and would often be on sale for cheaper than Miller High Life or similar. Recently as I'm sure you are aware, hipsters have taken PBR and turned it into "their thing."
Like this:

 

Asshole.

Why did you have to take my beloved cheap beer and turn it into something it's not? Why couldn't you destroy Budweiser or some other crappy beer? Leave my crappy beer alone. Just look at this man:

Does he look like a hipster to you? No. This was done a good few years before the bullshit hipster movement. This man loved his beer so much he wants to be buried in it. And in the meantime he's got a badass cooler to use. Rock on, sir.
Ok, now that that's out of the way, PBR is a good what I like to call "basic beer." It's a little bit bitter, but it really is an acquired taste that can add up to a good cheap beer. Like most beers it tastes better on tap or in a bottle than in the can, but the cans are readily available anywhere. It gets my thumbs up.

Another beer that has fond memories for me is Miller High Life. As you can see in the picture I got some kind of special edition Harley Davidson can, which is better than their special Justin Bieber edition they came out with last month. Just kidding, I like High Life as much as the next guy. It's an easy to drink, light and tasty beer. It's also ridiculously cheap. I clocked it recently for $3.97 for a sixpack at Walmart. They've also had some great advertising over the years.

Drink High Life, and you too can be an elderly perverted fisherman. BTW, tastes much much better out of a bottle than a can to me. Is that just me? But if the champagne of beers doesn't do it for you, then there's Icehouse.

Hey, they know their audience and they know the beer isn't the best thing in the world so why not sex it up a little? She looks good holding the can.
In all seriousness, I actually find Icehouse to be a decent beer considering how very cheap it is and the somewhat higher 5.5% ABV, compared with Miller High Life's and PBR's 4.7%. I'd say it's at least as good as the other two.
Perhaps the best tasting beer in my opinion on this list is Yuengling. I've been drinking Yuengling a long time since someone turned me on to it years ago and I've loved it ever since.

The Yuengling brewery is America's oldest continuously operated brewery and has been churning out their delicious lager since 1829. The have a variety of other flavors, including black & tan, a porter, and a seasonal bock which is very very good (why is it not available all year???). They started canning their beer a couple years ago making it more readily available and small bit cheaper to buy. To me, you can't go wrong with this one.
Now, for the ones I just flat out didn't like at all.

Not light, but I tried the regular variety of Busch. It tasted like malty water and backwash. Yum. No seriously, I thought this one was terrible. I remember years ago a coworker and I were talking about beer and he said he drinks Busch because other beers made his head hurt. I'd have to drink a whole case for my head not to hurt once I got started. No thanks.

Then we have Bud Ice. Remember those commercials they had back in the 90s with the creepy penguin?

Yeah, that one. The one that looks like it's going to kill you in your sleep. This was easily one of the worst tasting beers I've ever tried. Ever. At first it was like drinking bilge water, and I thought maybe that was because I had tried the Busch right before. So I ate some food and tried it again. Just gross. I poured it out. If the guys at the Plank Road Brewery can make Icehouse have 5.5% ABV and still taste decent, why can't Budweiser? Maybe cause Budweiser sucks. So here's my final ranking of these six beers:

THE WIENER: Yuengling, simply for the best taste of any of these.
THE FIRST LOSER: PBR, despite having an intolerable image nowadays. I still love ya baby.
THE BRONZE MEDAL: Miller High Life. We go back a long ways.
THE PAPER MACHE CAT: Icehouse. A solid cheap beer, with a higher than average alcohol content.
THE BOWLING TROPHY I GOT AT A THRIFT STORE: Busch. Please, just stop.
THE FLAMING BAG OF SHIT ON YOUR DOORSTEP: Bud Ice. I really did try, I promise. It's just that bad.

So there you have it. Feel free to comment. What's that you say? Why didn't I include this beer or this beer? There will be more throwdowns. Don't cry.