- Must be easily obtainable, which sadly knocks a lot of quality beverages out of the running since I live in Alabama. I wanted to get forties, but the biggest containers we can legally have here are 24oz and the people had to fight to get the lawmakers here to up that from 16oz. No kidding, it just became law last year. Sad, right? Why does Alabama always have to be ignorant and the last to adopt change (well, except for Mississippi, but at least you can buy forties there)? Wait, no... this is another topic for another blog. Maybe one day...
- Must have an ABV over 5%. I don't think that will be difficult.
- Must be relatively cheap. I want the good ol' stuff here, not some fancy craft beer.
- Maybe I should try to sober up a little before I write the rest of this.
I had to include Colt 45 and Olde English. I was lucky enough to find Mickey's which I drink on a fairly regular basis and Steel Reserve which is everywhere. It's one of the four or five beers we sell at the store I work at. I had never drank Schlitz Malt Liquor or Icehouse Edge before this throwdown, just putting that out there.
On a side note, malt liquor generally has a pretty strong taste so I had to find something to cleanse my pallet between taste testings.
Oh woe unto thee, thou who hast never eaten a Golden Flake Sweet Heat potato chip.
These are crazy delicious and are absolutely my favorite chips ever. Lay's has even imitated them.
Yeah. The Golden Flake chips came out way before the Lay's. The Golden Flake chips also taste a lot better. By the way am I the only one who thinks a company called Lay's should make condoms?
But I digress.
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So first of all I like to try new beers that I've never had before to give them more of a fair shot. I may like them, I may not. I was confident before I drank anything today that I would like all of these better than Bud Ice.
Another side note. Do I have something against Budweiser? Yep. They actually paid lobbyists to go to the state capitol to try to convince legislators to not pass the new beer laws that our state was about to adopt last year including a decreased restriction in container size along with an increase in the legal ABV from 6% to 14.9%. Both bills thankfully passed, making Alabama appear slightly less ignorant than it did before. However, as a result of finding out about this lobbying, many bars that specialize in high gravity and local beers in Alabama stopped serving Budweiser products. Anything made by Anheuser-Busch. Good for them.
So there's that grudge explained. This is already turning into a long post.
So the first one of these I tried was Icehouse Edge, which appeared on shelves here shortly after the 24oz. law was passed.
I think this one is fairly new, as I couldn't find anything funny or sexy to post about it. It packs a punch with its 8% ABV, one of the highest in the selection. So how does it taste? To tell you the truth I thought this was going to taste like ass, but it's actually pretty good, especially when you consider the alcohol content. For an 8% beer that cost $1.50 for a 24oz can this is definitely a winner. It doesn't taste anything like the original Icehouse, but it's smooth enough and strong enough to win me over. Since I couldn't find much about it on the vast reaches of the internet, all I can say about its image is that it does come in a cool can. Definitely a good choice.
Next up is Schlitz Malt Liquor, which I also had for the first time during this whole ordeal. One Google search is all it takes to know that this is how you market malt liquor. I mean, first off you have the badass logo with its bull mascot:
Buying a 40? Why not get another one?
Then, you have the actual advertising.
Yep. No one does it like the Bull. With a girl in a small bikini.
But enough about that. How does it taste? Umm... not great. The first thing I notice when I open the can is this weird smell almost like it's stale. However my beer is dated 090213. It's got a mild taste and very strong aftertaste, like the actual taste hits you after you drink it. That taste, my friends, is not a good one. At first I don't taste much at all, but then that aftertaste... ugh. Like some other beers I've had it gets better after the first few sips but I don't think anyone tastes this stuff because of the taste and the 5.9% ABV just doesn't do it for me. There's better tasting brews out there with higher ABV. Sorry, Schlitz, I wanted to like you. At least you have cool advertising.
Let's quickly move on to something else. How about Colt 45?
Speaking of advertising, Colt 45's is classic. Who else better to endorse your malt liquor than Lando Calrissian? It has, however, been updated for our generation:
Colt 45 is a classic malt liquor. To make it even more badass it has the same name as a gun!.. which is denied by Pabst Brewing, who makes Colt 45. The horse on the can says "Nay! (like that?) This fine beverage is not a reference to a firearm, but to Jerry Hill, who was number 45 on the 1963 Baltimore Colts NFL team." And I, horsey, have got a bridge to sell you.
Badassery aside, how's the brew? I'm willing to give this one a solid "not bad." Tastes better than Schlitz with a slightly higher 6.1% ABV.
So let's move on yet again to another fine beverage that I have had the pleasure of consuming many times before, Steel Reserve. 211, motherfucker.
Not sure who drew that or if it's even a real ad, but I like it. Me and 211 go back a ways. For a good while it was my go to cheap beer. What else can you get 4 tall cans of for $2.50 that tastes decent and has the 8.1% wallop to get you wasted with maybe not even all 4? Steel Reserve is the strongest of these beers, but doesn't necessarily taste like it. It has a very malty taste, like you can almost taste the barley in a way. Here in Bama we used to have the 6% ABV version which tasted a little bit smoother, but for the purposes of a malt liquor or "high gravity lager" I'd prefer the extra alcohol. The first 40oz I ever drank was a Steel Reserve. Ah, memories. Seriously though, 211 is a good cheap beer and one of the easiest to drink with this much ABV involved. I think of it as kind of an acquired taste, like drinking Guinness or similar. The first time I tried it I didn't really like it and even thought "People drink this??" Then when I tried it again I liked it. My only complaints are trivial, such as the can saying that it's made by the Steel Brewing Company when it's really just made by Miller. I guess that's just marketing magic. That aside, this is a great malt liquor all things considered. Again, when I look at these I look for taste, ABV, and image. This one definitely has two out of three covered.
Two left to cover. This is a long post! Let's go ahead and hit up Mickey's.
Ah, Mickey's. It tends to kind of market itself as the white person's 40, or to appeal to college kids, which it does. Maybe this will encourage them to do their laundry once in a while. It's got nifty marketing like the ad above, cool green grenade shaped bottles, and even nifty puzzles under the caps!
See what I mean about targeting college students. Still I admit that I enjoy opening my green bottle to find a little puzzle to give me something to think about for anywhere from five seconds to fifteen minutes depending on how drunk I am. So Mickey's definitely has the image. What about the beer?
Downside here, and the reason why Mickey's isn't going to win this throwdown... it's got the lowest ABV of all of these with a mediocre 5.6%. That's just barely enough to call it a malt liquor in my book. The upshot of the somewhat lower alcohol content is that Mickey's tastes more like a beer than a malt liquor. It actually tastes pretty damn good to me, and I will and have drunk it on a regular basis. It's easily obtainable around here for about $1.50 for a 24oz can. To me this is the best tasting of all these beers, but the ABV keeps it from its full potential as a stone cold malt liquor.
Last, but certainly never least is Olde English 800. OE. Furniture polish. The malt liquor by which all other malt liquors are judged.
So here's the deal about OE. It's iconic. If you go in a convenience store that sells forties they are just about guaranteed to have Olde English if nothing else. Is it a good malt liquor? Hell yes. It's got a very tolerable flavor, somewhat similar to the 6% version of Steel Reserve, which makes sense since OE's ABV is 5.9%. If you want to experience a solid, drinkable, malt liquor then this is the one to try. Oh man, how am I ever gonna rank these?? Maybe I should sober up a little first.
KING OF THE MALTS: I'm tying Steel Reserve and Olde English for the top spot. I can't choose between them. To me Olde English tastes better but Steel Reserve has the higher ABV so they balance out. You can't go wrong with either one.
BEST TASTE AWARD: Mickey's. It's the best tasting one of these beers and is the easiest to drink. Plus cool bottles.
ABV AWARD: I'm gonna give Icehouse Edge the prize on this one, just for being such a pleasant surprise. Tastes very smooth and non offensive with an 8% ABV.
BEST IMAGE/ADVERTISING: Colt 45. The classic ads with Billy Dee Williams and the new ads with Snoop Dogg are hard to beat. Also, it's a classic name associated with malt liquor.
Sorry Schlitz Malt Liquor, I gots no love for you at all. Any of the other brews are at least drinkable, while this one tasted like brackish water that someone just got done peeing in.
So there you have it. There are pros and cons to each one of these. The biggest surprise was definitely Icehouse Edge, which I would definitely drink again and would recommend that my readers at least try. I'm still feeling somewhat wasted from drinking all those so I'm gonna go take a nap.
Also, I think there's more than enough malt liquor out there to have a second throwdown.... thanks for reading!
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